Predisposition

I don’t believe in God. Have I damned myself already? It’s too tiresome to think about.

Getting started is always the hardest part. The conscious mind prefers inaction to an anticipated mistake, not realizing their equivalent destinations and thereby lack of real choice in the matter.

That’s why I finished the ending first.

I remember not really looking at her until we were seated together. And even with the first few moments I thought she would be quite regular. I’m glad I never take first impressions seriously, that would make all of it rather boring. Her voice soon commanded my ears as she demonstrated the insanity behind my aching desire to throw myself out of a plane. That was the initial hook.

It’s mesmerizing, seemingly having the power to stop my convoluted thought process and focus it on one thing: most of the time, her.

Fuckin’ neurons.

The worst kind of manipulation is a virus, initially implanting itself with the intention of spreading quickly. Once domination over the inner reality has been established, the virus releases, understanding your newfound dependence on it. It doesn’t matter that you know it’s bad for you, because you want to be fooled. You want to feel bad. You become the virus.After all, life is more interesting that way, isn’t it?

I had felt it all before, though certainly not with this kind of intensity. Maybe she was just better at it. Or I’m weak right now. Or this time it’s different.

Or perhaps I’m simply predisposed to the phenomenon.

It’s almost too late now, with every word another added week of agony. Every newly discovered facial expression heightening the probability of my 19th nervous breakdown. I can feel my resolve shrink; I would hate to have to take a risk.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s